I had three exams this week [along with the usual 25 hours of class time (but who's counting?)] and I didn't sleep much. I'm usually able to make time to sleep but, despite my efforts to be as efficient as possible and to study ahead of time, I couldn't get in more than six hours a night. That's too little, I think.
Right now I'm listening to Damien Rice (as I've been doing for the past month--should I be worried about my mental state?) and making a lasagna because we got a long lunch today. If food tastes like the emotions you have while you're making it, this lasagna is going to taste like an over-tired temporary curmudgeon.
It wasn't just the tests that made this week a tough one. It's mostly the fact that I'm away from the people and place I love almost all the time. "It's only two years," people say. I used to tell myself that. Lately, though, I struggle to silence the voice in my head that says, "life is very, very short, dear."
Coming to PA school was obviously a very conscious choice I made. I wanted to get my advanced education out of the way before having kids. I wanted to be challenged, and I wanted to set myself up to be my own solitary pillar in my very beautiful joint life with Nate. I knew it would be hard.
Boy, it's hard sometimes. This week has got me questioning my sanity, my beliefs, my life actions. I've been questioning why on this wonderful green earth I would think living in adult dorms for two years in my least favorite city would be better than living in my home with my dog and the love of my life.
The only consolation I can think of is this, a quote from The Poisenwood Bible:
"My little beast, my eyes, my favorite stolen egg. Listen. To live is to be marked. To live is to change, to acquire the words of a story, and that's the only celebration we mortals really know."
I am reassured by the fact that I'm acquiring some words. And I hope the story will someday be one that's very worth reading.
Right now I'm listening to Damien Rice (as I've been doing for the past month--should I be worried about my mental state?) and making a lasagna because we got a long lunch today. If food tastes like the emotions you have while you're making it, this lasagna is going to taste like an over-tired temporary curmudgeon.
It wasn't just the tests that made this week a tough one. It's mostly the fact that I'm away from the people and place I love almost all the time. "It's only two years," people say. I used to tell myself that. Lately, though, I struggle to silence the voice in my head that says, "life is very, very short, dear."
Coming to PA school was obviously a very conscious choice I made. I wanted to get my advanced education out of the way before having kids. I wanted to be challenged, and I wanted to set myself up to be my own solitary pillar in my very beautiful joint life with Nate. I knew it would be hard.
Boy, it's hard sometimes. This week has got me questioning my sanity, my beliefs, my life actions. I've been questioning why on this wonderful green earth I would think living in adult dorms for two years in my least favorite city would be better than living in my home with my dog and the love of my life.
The only consolation I can think of is this, a quote from The Poisenwood Bible:
"My little beast, my eyes, my favorite stolen egg. Listen. To live is to be marked. To live is to change, to acquire the words of a story, and that's the only celebration we mortals really know."
I am reassured by the fact that I'm acquiring some words. And I hope the story will someday be one that's very worth reading.
I am subscribing to your blog because I found it via super-creeping and you had better write in it more & more. Run-on sentence. xoxo-Andrea
ReplyDeletehahah YAY. Oh how I miss you, Andrea.
ReplyDeleteKeep following the path you have laid out for yourself Nicole. Often the journeys with the most difficult obstacles lend themselves to the greatest rewards. You have a strong spirit and whether you consciously chose this path or not does not matter. You are being guiding this way by something looking to move you to a better well-being in the end, though it may seem painful now.
ReplyDeleteKyle Cragin?? Thanks for the nice words. I think you're definitely right.
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